Kansas Family and Divorce

Must Read Books For Divorced Dads

With Father’s Day being tomorrow, the Oklahoma Family Law Blog had a great post today providing the following list of books for divorced dads.

Following are four recommended books for fathers dealing with the difficult issues of divorce. Whether you're in the initial stages of divorce, dealing with the immediate aftermath or well past one, these books will provide down-to-earth ideas and strategies you can use to remain an integral of your children's lives.

Always Dad: Being a Great Father During & After Divorce by Paul Mandelstein, a divorced father of three and founder of the Father Resource Network.

More and more, divorced fathers are finding out that, rather than being one half of a 'broken' home, they can continue to play a crucial role in their children's lives. You can, too. Turn to Always Dad and discover how to work with your ex to create a fulfilling extended family, one that can help ensure that your kids grow up in an enriching, loving environment.

Live-Away Dads: Staying a Part of Your Children's Lives When They Aren't a Part of Your Home by William C. Klatte, a psychotherapist, social worker, and divorced father of two grown daughters who lived with their mother. Klatte begins by advising fathers to take care of themselves, including dealing with anger and depression, good advice for anyone coping with a major life change. He stresses the importance of staying involved with your children despite personal difficulties or the challenges of working with their mother. Later sections deal with cooperation, using the court system, developing parenting skills, and finding support groups.

The Divorced Dad's Survival Book: How to Stay Connected With Your Kids by David Knox, a divorced father of two. With hands-on 'get you through it' plans to help fathers remain positive, involved parents, and personal stories from a variety of home fronts, this invaluable guide illustrates how men can best develop their fathering skills, stay involved with their children, and honestly evaluate their own capabilities as fathers and ex-spouses.

Wednesday Evenings and Every Other Weekend: From Divorced Dad to Competent Co-Parent. A Guide for the Non-Custodial Father by F. Daniel McClure and Jerry B. Saffer. A reader writes 'This book is written in plain english and is brutally honest. You WILL learn how to cope with the situation you are in and how to get so much more from your relationship with your children.'

Source for Post: Oklahoma Family Law Blog.

Sperm Donor Challenges Parental Rights in Kansas

A sperm-donor's rights case will be addressed this week in the Kansas Supreme Court. A Kansas man who donated sperm to his friend wants to help raise the offspring. He's challenging a state law that says donors have no parental rights.

The suit, set for arguments concerns a Shawnee County man who donated sperm to a friend. The woman underwent artificial insemination and delivered twins in May 2005. The man argues that he always intended to act as a father to the children. No agreement was put into writing, however, and a judge later decided the man had no rights as a father.

That’s because Kansas law denies parental rights to sperm donors unless they have a written agreement with the mother specifying that they will act as father. The 1994 law was designed to protect children conceived through artificial insemination from frivolous custody disputes, as well as to safeguard donors from child support lawsuits.

The unmarried woman, who, like the donor, is identified only by initials in court documents, argues that she never intended to share parenting with the man. She chose the man, whom she had known for 10 years, because of his good medical history.

The man appealed his case to the high court, arguing that the law is unconstitutional. His attorney said a better law would require donors to sign an agreement waiving their rights as parents.

Linda Henry Elrod, a family law professor at Washburn University, filed a legal brief in which she sided with the donor. Elrod argues that to require a man to have a written agreement before he has parental rights over his biological children is to violate his constitutional rights. The law, she wrote, “cannot take away a constitutional right to be a parent” without due process. Elrod was my family law professor in law school. However, I have to disagree with her on this one. And it would appear others do too.

21 other family law experts across the country filed a brief supporting the woman. They argued that the Kansas law in effect protects the interests of children created through sperm donation, as well as the mothers and the donors, by requiring any agreements to be set down in writing.

One of those professors, Nancy Polikoff, a family law professor at American University, said “biology is not enough” to give the man parental rights. The law assumes the mother (and any husband or partner she might have) will have custody when it comes to children of sperm donors. Without the Kansas law, she said, women could face custody battles from donors, or donors could find themselves being asked to support a child they never intended to know.

I will keep you all posted on the outcome of the case before our Kansas Supreme Court when the decision comes down.

Source for Post: NPR and KansasCity.com

10 Tips for Dads after Divorce

Dealing with special occasions after divorce can be especially tricky.

When you’re sharing custody after a divorce, birthdays and holidays can be tough, especially in the early days. But take heart. As each year passes, you and your family will become more comfortable with the new family structure and will create new rituals and ways to enjoy special times together.

Here are some other tips for making birthdays and holidays pleasant for everyone concerned.

1. Be Flexible

Where your children are concerned, the best present you can give your child is to head off conflict about special days like birthdays and holidays. The collaborative rule for you in this situation is adjust your agreements to fit your kid’s needs.

For example, if the kids express a strong desire to spend a holidays or birthday with your ex, understand the importance of allowing them to do just that, regardless of whose time it is “officially.”

2. Be Proactive and Plan Ahead

Always keep in mind that your new family arrangements require much more planning than when everyone was living under the same roof. One way to avoid disappointment is to communicate early and often with the children and your ex. Give your children’s mom plenty of time to think about your proposals and to respond. And keep in mind that pushiness usually produces more resistance than cooperation.

New Child Support Bill Introduced in Georgia

This is interesting. While it would appear that the proposed bill contains some of the "stuff" we have had in Kansas since our guidelines were introduced. I am a bit concerned about the planned parenting time adjustment (PTA). While I appreciate the fact that a non-custodial parent should get some benefit for having the children more. My concern is that I see custodial parents using this as a reason to fight even harder to limit the time non-custodial parents get the children. Yes, I mean that. Can you not see a custodial parent fighting against this, not telling the judge why. But more likely than not, they don't want to give up the money and they don't want the non-custodial parent to have more time.

On Thursday, January 5, Sen. Seth Harp introduced SB 382, a comprehensive revision to the child support guidelines. The 46 page bill includes the Basic Child Support Guidelines Table, makes a number of drafting revisions so that the statute is easier to understand, and proposes several important policy changes.

Children of Divorce

Here are is site that includes a long list of links to sites that provide resources to assist kids going though a divorce; children that may have a friend going through a divorce; or anyone.

Kid's Turn Central

Tags: Divorce, Divorce

Out-of-State Moves with the Child

This seems to be a popular subject lately. Perhaps it is the time of the year when divorced parents are struggle to arrange Christmas breaks and parenting with the non-custodial parent. I deal a lot with long distance visitation cases. They can be a real pain.

Here is another great article on moving the child.

The right of a parent to move out of state with the child is another area of law on which states are divided. In times past, most states automatically would allow the custodial parent to move wherever he or she wanted with the child.

In recent years, some states have placed restrictions on the right of the custodial parent to move with the child. These states have a strong policy in favor of preserving continuity in the relationship between the child and noncustodial parent, and courts in these states are reluctant to allow the custodial parent to move with the child over the objection of the noncustodial parent unless there is a very good reason for the move.

In these states, the law may say a child cannot be moved without permission of the other parent or permission of the court. A parent who seeks to move with the child may be required to give notice (such as sixty days) before a proposed moving date.

The law in this area is shifting. Several state legislatures are considering new standards for determining when a parent can move out of state with the child. Regardless of the law in a particular state, there are several factors that courts consider when deciding whether to allow a move with the child:

Relocation of Split Parents

Divorced parents wishing to relocate with their children face a maze of differing state statutes and case law. While some states have shown a trend toward more liberal relocation policies for custodial parents, standards (if you want to call them that) in other states seem to shift based upon fundamental disagreements about what is in the best interests of the children.

Generally speaking, to relocate children, your ex should demonstrate at least some of the following factors:

(1) The primary reason for the move is not to frustrate a former spouse's ability to have access to the children;

(2) Visitation by a former spouse after the move will be possible both financially and logistically;

(3) Good faith efforts have been made to negotiate an agreement;

(4) The noncustodial parent has been uninvolved with the children;

(5) There is a compelling reason for the move, such as finding new employment in a unique position after a careful search of every nearby locale, etc.;

(6) There are advantages to both parent and children in the new location, such as good schools, medical facilities, proximity to extended family and support networks; and

(7) depending on their ages, the children's preference is to move.

On the other hand, in trying to prevent a move, you should present evidence about at least some of the following:

(1) Visitation after the move will be difficult if not impossible, financially or logistically;

(2) The move is being made without enough notice and you have made no attempt to negotiate an agreement for the move;

(3) You have been actively involved with many of the children's activities and have regularly exercised visitation rights;

(4) There is no compelling reason for the move; and

(5) There are advantages for the children in the current location that will not be available after the move.

Source of Post: The Charleston.net

Tags: Divorce Divorce

Who Gets Custody?

This study, conducted in Arizona, showed what the wishes of each parent was, and what the resulting custody decision was:

Fathers Wishes.

Joint Custody: 74%
Paternal Sole Custody: 15%
Maternal Sole Custody: 11%

Mother's wishes.

Maternal Sole Custody: 70%
Joint Custody: 30%
For the conflicting families (Father wanted joint custody, mother wanted sole custody).
Maternal Sole Custody awarded: 77%
Joint Custody awarded: 23%

(Source: Determining the Impact of Joint Custody on Divorcing Families, Sanford Braver, associate professor at the Arizona State University)

"The decrees overwhelmingly favored the mother's custody wishes: 67% of mothers obtained both the legal and residential custody arrangements they desired compared with only 15% of fathers; meanwhile, only 8% of mothers (vs 37% of fathers) found neither stipulation to correspond to their preference."

Source of Post: Divorce Resource

Tag: Divorce

Holidays tough on children in separated families

For millions of children, the holiday period can bring forth incredible stress. The No. 1 thing is parents communicating with each other and talking without hostility.

If you can't do the job on the phone or in person, use e-mail or letters. It's easier to keep the emotions out of it that way, and you can accomplish a lot: setting schedules, avoiding duplication of gifts and keeping your own anguish away from the children.

The worst thing you can do is use your kids as a communication conduit between yourself and your ex.

You can make the holiday as painless as possible by taking a few simple steps, they recommended.

1. Settling things in advance avoids last-minute disappointments and anxiety.

2. If you're splitting the holiday, make the switch at a reasonable hour. Midnight on Christmas Eve isn't a reasonable hour.

3. If you and your ex-spouse can't agree, consider a mediator, someone who will help you play nicely in the sandbox.

4. When negotiating, realize that neither side gets 100 percent. Compromise is key and don't use your kids as trophies.

5. Consider setting up an alternative holiday a few days before or after Christmas. Have two celebrations.

6. Encourage your child to call the absent parent during the holiday, and make sure you leave the room and give him or her some privacy when the call takes place.

7. Never badmouth your ex when the child is within earshot. Kids see themselves as half mom and half dad. Criticism of a parent breaks down their self esteem. Plus, kids think they have to fix their parents' emotions.

8. Don't grill the kids about what happened at the ex's house. Let them volunteer information if they want to.

9. Watch out for manipulation by the kids trying to "milk" the holiday, especially as they grow older. That's another reason why it's important to communicate directly with your ex.

10. With older children, be sure to ask for their input. Ask them what their ideal Christmas would be, then work out what is possible. The adults need to make the decisions, but the kids need to feel like they've got a voice.

Source for post: Bozeman Daily Chronicle

Thanks to Ben at the South Carolina Family Law Blog for pointing this great article out.

Top 10 Mistakes Men Make in Divorce

Here is a great post that Ben Stevens placed on his blog this morning. I agree with Ben on this one. Thanks to Ben also for including his comments after each of the comments from Cordell.

Top 10 Mistakes Men Make in Divorce: "

A recent article in the Indianapolis Star included a list of the Top Ten Mistakes Men Make in Divorce. This list was compiled by Joseph Cordell, a St. Louis attorney. I have included both Mr. Cordell's comments and my comments after each item.

1. Moving out too soon

Cordell: Doing so can be used as evidence of indifference to your children in the actual divorce.

Stevens: The simple fact is that someone has to move out at some point. Who should move and when that should happen are very complicated questions, the answers to which depend on the facts and goals of each particular case.

2. Stopping involvement in your children's sports, schoolwork and more

Cordell: That'll really be used against you in the divorce.

Stevens: Parents should keep their children's best interests at the center of all actions and strategy in a divorce case. One parent's failure to actively participate in the child's life, including both school and extracurricular activities, will be a key factor when it comes to custody decisions.