Secrets to a Happy Marriage -- Part One

Here is the first in a series of what looks to be a great set of articles. This one deals with secrets to a happy marriage. They come to us from Ben Stevens at the South Carolina Family Law Blog. Ben has given me permission to provide them to you.

I am proud to present the first in an excellent series of articles, The Little Blue Book Series of Secrets to a Healthy Marriage by Rev. Dr. Trey Kuhne, LMFT. I will publish this eight part series over the next several weeks, and I hope that you find it helpful. I truly appreciate Trey's generosity in allowing me to publish this series on my blog. Here is Part One:

Probably the most frequently asked question I get in counseling from married couples and those preparing for marriage is this: Where do we get that little book that tells us how to do everything right the first time, how to stay in love, and cultivate a healthy and happy relationship? And to the surprise of all, it just doesn’t exist. I am not talking about the Bible, which is our Source of life and faith, or some little publication by Dr. James Dobson of Focus on the Family. What I am talking about is that small hypothetical little blue (instead of black) book the preacher was supposed to secretly hand over to the husband right before he says the ‘I do.’ Or perhaps, the husband’s father was supposed to pass it down from when his father gave it to him. I will assume that everyone knows what I am talking about here.

Well, that book doesn’t exist, that I know of, and most every couple in counseling has told me that if I would write such a book that it would be a best-seller. It doesn’t need to be a thick book. It just has to contain that vital information in it that keeps the marriage relationship healthy and keeps both men and women from making those costly mistakes that unnecessarily damage the marriage. So I thought I would give it a try and create such a small book in hopes that it aides those who consider marriage to be the pinnacle of family existence. My working title for this series will be: The Little Blue Book Series of Secrets to a Healthy Marriage.

Here is the first secret to a healthy marriage:

Secret number 1: Full Disclosure of Moneys - No Hidden Accounts

Money may appear to be the root of all evil but it is really the love of money that reveals the root of all evil. That being said, money seems to cause so much trouble in households and puts undue pressure on marriages when it need not. But all too often husbands and wives keep hidden things from one another in the form of hidden monetary accounts and various means of not fully disclosing their moneys.

Spouses need to be fully and completely open with one another about any and ALL money that each has: pension accounts, insurance, savings, 401(k), retirement, checking, rainy-day money (mad money), anything and everything. Doing so helps to prevent loss of moneys in the event of an illness or early death. But the most important reason of this first secret is so that both spouses can be equally empowered in the relationship. Money is power, so to speak but it is the spousal relationship that is to be empowered not the money.

This is not to say that couples can’t have multiple accounts or set up their banking in any fashion that works well for them. Just don’t keep any monetary secrets from one another. When one spouse eventually finds out (and they will!) it is a much like the feeling when an affair has taken place; it is an act of mistrust. It is a violation. As all spouses know well, violations and mistrust are not good for the relationship!

Husbands: if you have any moneys hidden away in private accounts, even with regard to the business you are in, please come clean with your spouse. Fully disclose this information with your wife and do it ASAP!

Wives: if you have any hidden accounts to keep your husbands out of the loop, even with regard to the business you are in, please come clean with your spouse. Fully disclose this information with your wife and do it ASAP!

Bringing out the hidden things empowers each other and creates an environment in the family of equality and the sharing of power. This is vital to keeping the love and intimacy healthy in the marriage relationship.

In my next article, I will share secret number 2! If there are any of you who may have secrets that you want to pass on to me and don’t mind me sharing those with the public, please feel free to share them with me, preferably written via email.

Grace and Peace, Rev. Dr. Trey Kuhne LMFT

Rev. Dr. Trey Kuhne is a Pastoral Marriage and Family Therapist with Pathways Pastoral Counseling located at St. Christopher’s Episcopal Church at 400 Dupre Dr., Spartanburg, SC 29307. You may contact Dr. Kuhne for a counseling appointment by calling 864-542-3019 or through email at: pathwayspc@aol.com

(Via South Carolina Family Law Blog.)

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