Create a 'conflict-free' zone for children during divorce

If kids are to succeed after divorce, they must be protected from parental conflict and allowed to enjoy close relationships with both parents whenever possible. Despite pain, resentment and disagreements, it is possible for divorced parents to surround their children with a conflict-free zone.

In order to create this, parents must learn to control, restrain and retrain themselves.

They must refrain from fighting when their children are present, and save discussion of volatile issues for another time.

It takes special thought, effort and courage for divorcing parents to provide their children with a safe environment that enables them to grow up feeling good about their lives and themselves.

Florence Bienfenfeld, Ph.D., offers a "Code of Conduct" for this conflict-free zone:

# Shift gears from being marriage partners to being parent partners.

# Settle disagreements through give-and-take and compromise, and respect individual differences.

# Treat the other parent with respect and avoid making derogatory statements about the other parent in the presence of your child.

# Avoid arguments, scenes, threats, fights and violence, especially when your kids are present.

# Don't be overly critical of or try to control the other parent.

# Avoid pressuring the other parent about getting back together and respect the other parent's privacy.

# Don't sacrifice your child over money.

# Make child support payments on time.

# Gain the other parent's trust by keeping your agreements and promises.

# Accept the fact the other parent has the right to spend time with the children, and that your kids have the right to a relationship with the other parent.

Raising the children:

# Settle on a workable parenting plan that gives kids access to both parents.

# Keep ongoing contact with the children so they don't feel rejected or abandoned.

# Reassure kids they can still count on both parents.

# Take the parenting plan seriously.

# Never disappoint the children at the last minute.

# Establish two homes for the kids with a place for their clothes, toys and other possessions.

# Maintain telephone contact with the children.

# Set up a "hot line" between parents for discussion of serious problems concerning the children.

Cooperation does NOT mean:

# Pumping kids for information about the other parent.

# Trying to control the other parent.

# Using the children to carry angry messages back and forth.

# Using the children as pawns to hurt the other parent.

# Using the children to ask for or to deliver child-support payments.

During the chaotic and emotional period of divorce, parents may think it's impossible to cooperate. Divorce is a period of great pain involving feelings of guilt and failure; loss of security, friendship and love; and the necessity of facing some of the less-attractive aspects of oneself such as revenge and bitterness.

For many, it is the hardest time of their lives, but it's necessary to focus on a healthier future, the children's future and that of each parent.

Dr. Phil House is a clinical and school psychologist at Yellowstone Boys and Girls Ranch. He can be reached at house@ybgr.org.

Source for Post: Billings Gazette